It’s that time of year again. The time of year that we’re all jolly and merry and bright, right? My memories of holidays with small children are a mixed bag (pun intended). We have some delightful memories of decorating gingerbread houses and writing letters to Santa. I’m sure you have some pretty special memories of your own, whatever holiday you might celebrate this time of year. I also have some less jolly memories that I try to forget. Lots of whining. Lots of crying. Fighting. Disruptions in routines. So special. So bright. So merry. Peace and goodwill to all, right?
In our quest as parents to make the holidays memorable and special for our theoretical “grateful, giving, flexible children” we can easily forget what our real, growing, developing young children need to be successful. I’m not here to point fingers because the finger would point directly back at me in all my holiday-loving glory. Let’s put ornaments on the tree, but don’t play with them. Let’s decorate cookies, but not so much frosting, please. Let’s go to a quiet, late night church service, but please sit still and don’t make noise. Here is a present, but don’t ask for any more. We’re full of contradictions when it comes to the holidays. Those contradictions make sense to us because we’re adults, but they don’t make sense to children. The holidays can be a very confusing time for young children because the things that we like about it are exactly the things they don’t understand. No rules? Stay up late? Eat cookies and sweets? Do extra-special-once-yearly activities? It’s easy to see that all these special parts of the holidays add up to one enormous problem for children: no routine and waning consistency. When the rules change from day to day, when something that’s usually a “no-no” is suddenly what everyone is doing, it doesn’t just confuse young children, it stresses them out. Not so merry and definitely not so jolly.
In addition to feeling their own stress about changes in routines, new people and places, and inconsistent demands on their behavior, young children also feel your stress. I know very few people who don’t feel any stress at all around the holidays; usually it ranges from a little to an enormous amount. Whatever your stress level, your child can sense it and it in turn affects their stress level. And you know what that does to your stress level? It’s an unending cycle of holiday happiness!
Here’s some ideas to help create the peaceful and merry holiday you’re dreaming of:
- Because I love the holidays for lots of reasons, I always started talking about them, decorating for them and celebrating them nice and early. I learned after many years of stressful holidays with my own children and then seeing the stress that my young students felt around the holidays that as excited parents, and perhaps holiday lovers ourselves, we start too early. You know it’s difficult to sustain that level of excitement and wonder and togetherness and festivity for that long. How many of us make it to New Year’s and can’t wait to move past all things red and green? For a small child for whom time is an abstract idea, those weeks of non-routine are even longer.
- Besides starting too early, my second mistake was starting too BIG. If everything is EXCITING AND SPECIAL AND WONDERFUL it is both overwhelming and overstimulating for children. Holiday traditions are wonderful, but not at the expense of everyone’s sanity. If your children have trouble with crowds, late nights, strangers or change at all, the best thing you can do for them and their wellness is play it cool. Follow their lead and see what they’re up for. Maybe you don’t need to participate in every caroling party and cookie exchange that you’re invited to. We found during Covid that we could create our own traditions, ones that my husband, children and I enjoyed quietly in our own home. We don’t plan on going back to that loud Christmas Eve gathering with extended family; we’re happier eating fondue and playing games with our chosen family.
- Speaking of traditions, one of my favorite traditions from my childhood that I passed on to my own children is reading holiday books. When I was a child our holiday books were stored with the ornaments and decorations and only came out once a year. This made them extra special and an important (and quiet) part of our holiday tradition. Each year one of my children’s presents was a holiday book so that each year our collection grew to include mine and theirs. When they have families of their own, they will take their holiday book tradition to their own children. We have wonderful memories of reading holiday favorites together on the couch long after I expected to be reading picture books to my kids because they are such a special and treasured part of our holiday tradition.
- How about those other traditions? That one where the stranger breaks into your house in the middle of the night after stalking you for weeks and watching everything you do? If you celebrate Christmas, Santa is probably an important part of your celebration with small children. There’s nothing wrong with the tradition if it works for your family, but I found myself talking the big man up just a little too much without realizing it. At one point my oldest looked at me in terror after accidentally breaking a glass ornament and said, “Is he watching NOW?” I realized that we put a lot of pressure onto them when they think that everything they do and every mistake they make is being judged. Most of the mistakes we make as adults don’t determine our worth or our goodness. Consider if how you talk about Santa is consistent with your parenting values.
- Then there’s the elf… My children were too old for the Elf on the Shelf, but those nosy guys sure are popular now. Much like the idea of Santa, consider if the tradition fits your values as a parent. And consider if you would like someone watching you all the time and judging you as good or bad. Again, it’s something that can be lots of fun, but pay attention to how it makes your child feel and if your gut is telling you it isn’t the fun holiday tradition you want it to be, then it’s okay to be a family without an Elf.
Whatever holidays or traditions you observe this time of year, I wish you peace and love and lots and lots of laughter.